Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
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[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Awwwww shit.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.