Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Noah: A boat?

God: Yes.

Noah: Two of every animal?

God: Yes.

Noah: I have a better idea.

God: What.

Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

Thursday

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

Dear Santa,

I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.

Oh, SONOFA-

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

tfw you realize …

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree