Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

the simulation is moving too fast

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

😭😭😭

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka