Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

You are not alone 💚

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are