Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

i want it utterly assaulted.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.