*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Grandpa
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
This is the best one I’ve seen
Nice try Hitler
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
the last thing a carrot sees
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship