Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

I know karate and tons of other words.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.