Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
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My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
all that yoga finally paid off
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat