Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
You Might Also Like
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.