@JJSummertime

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

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@simoncholland

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

@blade_funner

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

@Grafiksein

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

@capnwatsisname

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

@kathbarbadoro

Me: IDK why I’m so down lately. Maybe this is an indication that I need to reevaluate the priorities or figure out how to make meaning in my life
My friends: The moon is weird right now
Me: Yeah nevermind it’s definitely because the moon is weird right now

@jergarl

[At gang interview]

GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang

Me: Yep

GL: What qualities do you..

M: *Already snapping fingers

GL: You’re in

@KimmyMonte

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

@KingRainhead

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

@QwertyJones3

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.