Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
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When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.