Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

#oldknees

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

your honor my client chooses dare

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

Priorities

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!