Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
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[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.