Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t