Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
You Might Also Like
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs