Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
SQUARREL
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Trumpy Cat
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…