Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
g
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d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.