Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
*jingles half the way*
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
well this is just bullshirt
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.