Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

Not all heroes wear capes.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?