Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.