Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Livid.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
i would wish you the best but i am the best