Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
me: my friends:
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
The glockness monster
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane