Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
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[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.