Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.