Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

cat vs inanimate object

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*