Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

friend saw this guy on the apps lol

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

My dog after a walk in the woods.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?