Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing