Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”