Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
This squirrel eats better than I do
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff