Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

This joke is 7 years old

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car