Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.

Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.

Me: I didn’t say he was interested

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

this independent good boy don’t need no human

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes