(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

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I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.



Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste


I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.


3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider


i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only


me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ


[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money


“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.


mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years