(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
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Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left