(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.


CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
CINDERELLA: im being abused
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit


UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum


Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.


All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.


I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.


Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*


[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive