I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
You Might Also Like
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
What we study in class vs. what’s on the exam paper
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
“I put on pants for nothing”
– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.
Someone set up her Twitter account.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years