@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

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@flashember

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

@Thynebear

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

@Skoogeth

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

@Cpin42

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

@KieranSoFar

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

@dril

restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place

@TheCatWhisprer

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

@Parkerlawyer

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

@Leslie_Annie

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.