@singwithTaffy

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

You Might Also Like

@iwearpajamas

I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.

TakeJuan’sdough.

@EndhooS

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

@Sarcasticsapien

I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn’t feed them and someone else did they wouldn’t go to them immediately.

@blood_orphan

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

@PhilJamesson

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

@mom_tho

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

@AbrasiveGhost

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

@StarksWeek

“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.

@jakery

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years