Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.

I can’t wait!

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.