Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
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ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”