Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.