friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
You Might Also Like
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Me trying to “trust the process”
Love is in the air fryer.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Best spot.. 😅
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food