Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

GUY: I wish girls liked comics.

GIRL: I love comics.

GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.