Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

Perfect

three things we don’t talk about

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.