friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
You Might Also Like
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
subtitles are so good nowadays
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather