Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

they should invent a rest for the wicked

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.