Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
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Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
could’ve been anyone
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
😭😭
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look