Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

Cool shirt 🙂

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Geez man, take it easy.

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

With a text.

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.