Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
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1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
[Terrorist tears open undercover FBI agent’s jacket]
Terrorist: hey guys this dude is a Female Body Inspector
On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.