Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
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If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap