@graceupongracie

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

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@Brianhopecomedy

Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.

@XplodingUnicorn

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

@ruinedpicnic

[Terrorist tears open undercover FBI agent’s jacket]
Terrorist: FBI?
Agent: uhhh
Terrorist: hey guys this dude is a Female Body Inspector

@patrickmarkryan

On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

@krisv_723

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

@Darlainky

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

@lincnotfound

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

@RodLacroix

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.