Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
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Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Not recommended for beginners.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014