Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
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No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Milk Cube
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
New mindset, who dis?
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!