Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.