Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage