Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

channeling her this year

Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates