Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

If Mona Lisa was on Instagram

Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday

Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal

Dad: (just bawling)

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*