F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
You Might Also Like
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless