F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
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The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Mountain Goat : )
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
i want enemies
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That