Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

A double negative is a big no-no.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.