Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

My birthstone is a marshmallow

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*