Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch

MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.