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Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
