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When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.