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Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Always
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
As the Lord intended
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”