Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:

6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey

only 11 steps left

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Saint West, the patron of selfies

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?