Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
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I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”