Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
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The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
the battle rages on
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded