Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.