Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?

Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”