Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
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*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
How to draw a duck
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..