Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Flowers bee like
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”