Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

Duolingo getting serious.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature