Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
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*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Mood.. 😂
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.