Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

Candles never taste the way they smell

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

My work here is don’t.

Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?

Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure