Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to exercise your calf muscles

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.