Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀

[7:00:01am] wait no

[7:00:02am] hold o—

[7:00:03am] stop

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.