Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.

new shirt idea