Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
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omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.