Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

Never deleting this app.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.