Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.