Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
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My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Thinking about a snail with a limp
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
LOL
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.