Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.