My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.