Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

Potatoes were such a good idea

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

I need to get some bricks…

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.