Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

*puts cutlery down*

HR said no more nunchucks.

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk