Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

Them: Just act casual
Me:

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Damn what did I do next

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood