Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch