Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
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My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I’ve been drinking.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god