[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
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Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
realest tweet ever.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Breaking news:
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still