[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
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Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.